Every Sunday night, Jay and I sit down together and have marriage time. And by once a week I really mean every once in awhile, when we actually remember and don’t get sidetrack by something like the Grammy’s or the Amazing Race.

We ask each other several questions, plus a random bonus question.

What does your upcoming week look like?

How did you feel most loved this past week?

What would make you feel pursued in intimacy/sex this week?

What can I do to support or help you this week?

When we take the time to ask these questions, we are able to reflect together on the week that has just passed. And we are able to look forward to the week ahead. We share how we are feeling and what we are struggling with. And we always end up going down all sorts of good rabbit trails, discussing things that have been milling around in our minds or laying heavily on our hearts, that in the chaos of the every day, we don’t always have time to talk about.

The questions keep us in touch with how the other person is feeling. They keep us in touch with what the other person is learning. And they keep us in touch with who the other person is becoming.

And whenever we do it, whenever we take the time to sit together, once the kids are in bed and the house is quiet, it ends up being the best part of our week.

It is a moment when we are able to reconnect in a real way. It is a moment when we were able to open up on a deeper level. And it is a moment when we don’t have to be mom or dad, only ourselves with each other, with the one our heart loves.

*Questions from Today’s Letters

I married young, at twenty- two years old, which was awhile ago. And I have learned quite a few unexpected things about marriage, which I thought I would share this Valentine’s Day. Given that these are just my observations, and that I am neither a trained counselor or therapist, they may not be worth very much. But after 13 years and two babies, here is what I know for sure so far about marriage:

1) When you decide to take the leap and get married, it is because you love someone, want to spend the rest of your life with them, and think you know them inside and out. But the truth is that you really don’t know them at all.

It doesn’t matter how long you have dated, whether you have known each other since you were six years old, or if you have had a background check done on them. You still only know a small part of each other before you say, I do. And you won’t begin to know each other, fully and completely, until you get married, start living together day in and day out, and weather some of life’s storms together.

2) The first year of marriage is the hardest. But thank God, it passes.

3) When you marry someone, you marry not only their problems, but also their family’s problems. All of them. The little problems you can see lurking in the background, the big problems that no one wants to talk about, and the relational issues between each family member. You marry all of that. Their problems become your problems, whether you want them to or not.

4) The ability to leave and cleave does not automatically happen the minute you say your vows and seal things with a kiss. Leaving and cleaving takes time. It is a learning process that involves figuring out what works for both of you as it relates to your families. It requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to compromise some preferences and traditions. (Just because you have spent every Christmas Eve for the last 30 years with Mom and Dad at Aunt Greta’s house doesn’t mean you should keep doing so, despite how your mom and Aunt Greta feel about it.) Leaving and cleaving means establishing new, healthy boundaries so you can create your own identity as a family, as well as your own traditions.

5) Marriage is a partnership. It is a team effort. And teams work best when the players sacrifice to reach a goal together or choose to do what is best for everyone. That may mean no more Saturday football games at your alma mater with your buddies. It may mean no more shopping and buying things you can’t afford. It may mean scaling back your time on the golf course while you have little kids. It may mean taking on an extra chore or responsibility so your spouse does not have to. Because marriage is a commitment not only to another person, but a commitment to this new family you are forming and growing, and to do what is best for them.

6) Sex can and does get better as you get older, and the longer you have been married. I will leave it at that.

7) No marriage is rosy all the time. There will be rough periods. Periods when you don’t see eye to eye. Periods when you are angry, fight, and hurt each other. And one of the secrets of getting through the rough periods, in addition to counseling or therapy, is to choose not to let seeds of resentment plant themselves in your heart.

Whatever has happened, you can choose to forgive. You can choose to let go. And in doing so, you root out those seeds of resentment and prevent them from growing into weeds of bitterness that choke out the affection and sweetness between the two of you.

Because getting married is to unknowingly enter a rock tumbling machine. The purpose of a rock tumbling machine is to make lovely jewels out of rough, dirty rocks. But turning those rocks into gorgeous jewels is not easy. You must throw your dirty rocks into the tumbling machine, add some grit, and then shake the hell out of it. With enough grit, enough shaking, and enough time, two beautiful jewels will emerge from those rough rocks.

And that is marriage. You and the one you love are the rocks, being shaken up in the grit of life. And over time, if you stay committed and connected to each other, the grit of life will change you. It will chip away your selfishness and it will soften your roughness. And one day, two people will emerge who are beautiful reflections of Christ, who are able to love each other as Christ loves His church; patiently, sacrificially, generously, and most of all gracefully and passionately.

Happy Valentine’s Day!