I do not have a mother-in-law. At least, not anymore. She passed away a long time time ago.

Jay does not have a mother-in-law either. She passed away a long time ago too.

We both have step-mothers, so technically we have step mother in-laws. But neither of our step-mothers have tried to take on the role of mother in-law. They have just tried to be our friends. They are sweet and kind and place very few expectations on Jay and I or our children. The result of which is a lot of peace in our family.

So it may seem like I am the last person qualified to comment on the issue of dealing with the in-laws, seeing as how I really don’t have to face those types of issues too often anymore.

But neither Jay or I got on fabulously with our mother in-laws. And at times, things were difficult. Extremely difficult.

And since our mothers died, I have had a lot of time to think about my own relationship with my mother in-law. I have had a lot of time to reflect on why we didn’t get along well, and what I could or should have done differently.

And because it is that time of year again, the time of year when you have to spend time with your family, or your wife’s family, or your husband’s family, I thought I would share a couple of little secrets with you. Secrets that I have gleaned from looking back over the years at those messy, complicated relationships. Secrets that I hope will help you in dealing with the in-laws and all those people in your family that you don’t like.

Secret #1: Should is irrelevant.

Look, I know how it goes. I know she said you looked like a wet rat the last time she saw you because your hair was wet. I know she got loaded at your wedding and then lost her shoes and spent the entire evening barefoot. I know he is sarcastic and rude and takes absolutely no personal interest in you. I know he is dishonest and you can’t believe half the things that come out of his mouth.

And I know they have done a million hurtful, irritating, and aggravating things.

But really, it doesn’t matter. IT DOES NOT MATTER. Not because how you feel, or how your in-laws make you feel, doesn’t matter. That does matter. How you feel does matter. But the reason it doesn’t matter is because I bet half of the things you are upset about involve the word should.

She should know better.

He shouldn’t have done that.

She should keep her mouth shut. I mean, who says something like that?

Our relationship should be better.

She should back off.

And I am here to tell you, as your friend, that should is irrelevant. Should does not matter.

Because should is not about the other person. Should is about you. Should is about your expectations. Should is about what you want.

Should is about how you want things to be. Should is about how you want the other person to be. And should is about how you want your relationship to be.

And I am not saying you are wrong. In fact, you are probably right. You are probably dead on correct that your family or in-laws should not be doing whatever it is they always seem to be doing to bug you or hurt you.

But they obviously don’t see things the same way you do. If they did, they wouldn’t persist in doing the things that bother you. But that doesn’t mean they are intentionally trying to bug you. They probably aren’t. It probably isn’t personal.

I mean, it could be. I am not going to deny there are some selfish, vindictive people out there who may actually be trying to hurt you. But let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and say that, whatever it is they are or aren’t doing, it probably isn’t personal.

And it probably isn’t personal, because most of us, without even meaning to, live in our own worlds. And each of us are the center of our own little world. Yes, maybe our children and spouse inhabit those worlds with us, but at the end of the day, we are all still the center of our own little world. And each and every last one of us have our very own list of shoulds.

Your mother in-law has her list. So does your sister. And your brother in-law. We all have our list of what we think someone else should or shouldn’t be doing. And when those lists conflicts, well then, it becomes impossible to get along.

The best thing you can do, for your own sake, and the sake of your family, is let go of all your shoulds. Of course, I know you don’t want to. I know you don’t feel like it. I know it feels like you are giving in and letting them win. Or you are letting their screwed up view the world and the stupid way they go about things win. I totally get that.

But you are not. I promise. Instead, you are setting yourself free. Free from disappointment. Free from unfulfilled expectations. Free from all the irritation and aggravation.

You need to let go of your shoulds. Let go of as many as you can. Some will be easier to let go of than others. But like a handful of balloons, let them go. Let them go and set yourself free.

Secret #2: Focus on who you want to be and how you want other people to see you. Not on who the other person should be or how they should act.

My advice: think about yourself. Not them.

Think about you. Not the people who grate on you or just plain piss you off.

Which sounds very unchristian. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Aren’t we supposed to put the interests of others ahead of our own?

Except I don’t mean it quite like that. What I mean is, think about yourself and who you want to be. Think about how you want other people to see you.

Do you want people to think you are kind? Then be kind.

Do you want people to feel welcome in your home? Then be welcoming.

Do you want to people to think you are helpful? Then be helpful.

Focus on the person you want to be. Not on the person you want your mother in-law or sister in-law to be.

Because we all know you can’t change them and never will. So really, you are just wasting precious emotional energy thinking about them and their issues that you could be directing toward something better.

You don’t have to change your personality. You don’t have to be somebody different. If you are reserved and quiet, you don’t have to be all bubbly and boisterous because that is what your mother in-law likes.

What we’re talking about is you being you. But you being the best you you can be. You being the person you aspire to be.

Because when you do that, you know that your side of the street is clean. You know did the right thing. And that you did what you were supposed to do.

And although you start out by thinking about yourself and who you want to be, without even meaning to, you end up putting other people first.

You wanted to be helpful. So you looked for ways to be helpful. And you helped other people more than you ever would have before, when you were busy thinking about how annoying your husband’s sister is.

In your effort to be helpful, kind, or whatever, you put the interests, comfort, and needs of others first.

Which is what God calls us to do anyway. He calls us to put the needs of others ahead of our own.

God doesn’t tell us we should do it.

He tells us to actually do it. Even when we are dealing with our in-laws. With God’s help and through his grace, we are to put the interests and needs of others ahead of our own.

Because like I said, should is irrelevant.

Much love and Merry Christmas, friends!

 

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